Top Ten Non-Player Trades the Cubs Should Make Right Now

Make this move, and I'd never turn away from the TV for a second.
Photos from lamoltihalstein.wordpress.com/ and Mary Altaffer / AP 

With the trade deadline just over a week away, the theories, rumors, and proposals about who's going where and for what are running amok across the information superhighway with reckless abandon. And while the mainstream media and the superbloggers out there would have you believe only players can be traded, that won't stop me from encouraging the Cubs to take their mercantile thinking outside of its proverbial cardboard enclosure.

Here are ten trades that could improve this ballclub right now and in the future, and they don't have to deal a single player:

10. Chicago's weather  and a half a pizza for San Diego's weather
Do I really need to tell anyone how bad the weather sucks in Chicago? No, I don't. But it sucks. I've never been to San Diego, but I hear it's nice. I don't want to have to go there to confirm the matter, so I expect Hendry to bring the deal to me. And there's still half a pizza left for him to enjoy, so no complaints.

9. Len Kasper to Crazytown for Mike Tyson and a sedative to be named later
This deal has so much upside for both parties, it makes me want to gnaw my ear off.

8. Jim Hendry to DD for a box of donuts
It's not that I think he's doing such a bad job, it's just that the Gift-of-the-Magi irony would be, quite literally, delicious. I love delicious irony.

7. The Wrigley Scoreboard to Navy Pier for the IMAX screen
I really want to see Inception. I've heard it's quite good, and I'm tired of trying to avoid all the spoilers. So to everyone at the theater watching the score get updated manually, allow me to spoil the ending for you: Cubs lose.

6. "The Friendly Confines" nickname to the United Center for "The Madhouse on Madison"
I know, Wrigley's not on Madison. And the UC isn't all that friendly. But it would be nice for the place known as the Friendly Confines to know what it's like to see a championship banner raised to the rafters. Then the Cubs can re-sign the name in the offseason and it can tell us all about it.

5. The men's room troughs to Hell for whatever it is they pee in there
I mean . . . really.

4. Cubs history to Croatia in exchange for their entire Summer Olympics legacy
Because they've won one more gold medal than the Cubs have won World Series. That's a 50% improvement there, pal. Although, if it's true that sports history has come to an end, this deal becomes moot.

3. Cub fans to the USS Enterprise for Spock, Data, Uhura, and Deanna Troi
Cubs fans need to be more logical if we're to survive another century. But there's no sense in putting the Bud Light Fan Cam to an end. Well, okay, maybe there is, but let's not get carried away.

2. The Wrigley Field press corps to the Ringling Bros. Circus for a team of poorly trained monkeys
If the beat reporters are going to sling crap at Cubs players and coaches, it might as well be a literal exercise.

1. The 7th Inning Stretch Guest Conductor tradition to the American League for the DH
So you're telling me if you had to choose between Denise Richards singing and Ted Lilly not hitting, you'd have to think twice about it?

Don't worry. His days of batting for the Cubs are probably gone, but we're not covering that here.