What Was Ailing Aramis?

That Charlie Horse is a beast to get to.

In the latest (and as I recall only) episode of Aramis Ramirez' True Confessions, the secret of the abominable first half that plagued the Cubs' 3rd baseman and emasculated the Chicago offense came to light . . . kind of. Aramis Ramirez was hurt, but he's not going into details.

I'm not going to say specifically what it was, but I wasn't healthy. . . . Not only the thumb, just injuries in general. I wasn't healthy, put it that way. It's tough enough to play when you're healthy.

I'm not denying Ramirez was hurt, but I'm deeply troubled by his simultaneous transparency and secrecy. If he had never said anything about it, I wouldn't care, but since Aramis brought it up, I need specifics. And since he's not going to say what was holding him back, I have no choice but to come up with my own diagnosis. Here are ten possibilities for what may have been holding Aramis back.

10. Ramirez is a nanosophobe, and his fear of dwarves crippled him until Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot were traded. Ramirez' OPS before the Theriot trade: .700. Since: .830. Actually, that one's so believable, I'm tempted to just stop right here. But I must press on.

9. He sneezed while stepping out of a hot tub after a long night of browsing the Internet. None of that actually hurt him, but after thinking about how his former teammates had been shelved by such mishaps, his sense of mortality overwhelmed him. Then he got better.

8. Jock itch.

Half Decent: Setting Expectations for the 2011 Cubs (pt. 1)

When I was in high school, one of the youth leaders at my church routinely discussed three topics more than any other: the unholy trilogy of sex, drugs, and rock & roll. It really didn't matter what biblical story or teaching we were covering, the focus was almost always redirected to the condemnation of one or more of those three vices.

I remember one lesson in particular in which we were told that physical attraction should be the least of our concerns when deciding who to date or court or arrange a marriage with. While anyone who has ever been in a relationship can attest that appearance isn't the most important attribute in a significant other, trying to tell a teenager to ignore it completely is like persuading a shark to eschew seafood.

After hearing variations on the diatribe for a few weeks, all the members of my youth group knew the answers we were supposed to be giving and that they directly conflicted with the protests of our hormones. So when our teacher asked us what qualities we would look for in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend, my fellow classmate Dwight Stowers attempted a compromise between the proffered high moral ground and his basic primal urges into a succinct summation of what he wanted in a woman:

"Half decent?"

As Cub fans, we find ourselves in a similar struggle between what we want and what the baseball gods are telling us we can have. While by no means immoral, it's looking pretty unrealistic that fans of baseball on Chicago's North Side will ever find ourselves in a long-term relationship with a 10—but is it too much to ask for a 6 or 7?

Aramis IS Back . . . on the DL

Rest easy, Aramis, and remember: lift with your legs, not your thumb.

Bruce Levine of ESPN Chicago is reporting that Aramis Ramirez is headed to the DL, according to sources close to the Situation. I still don't know how this situation or others involving sports teams develop sources outside of the team itself. It's not like this is NATO discussing Kosovo or anything. Ramirez's thumb hurts.

I also don't know why so many people are complaining that this move wasn't made sooner. I'm sorry, but I don't think that a sore left thumb was a seriously significant contribution to Aramis's woeful pitch selection and decreased contact percentage. He just hasn't looked like a guy who can find the baseball with his bat or his eyes. Unless it's a blinding thumb soreness, I'd say the thumb and the bat have been two different issues.

Naturally, the Cubs are expected to call up Chad Tracy, who has been hitting 8.000 and slugging 1.600 x 10^17 at AAA Iowa. You can pretty much count on the team to be in first place by the end of the month.

UPDATE: It's official now. Aramis is on the 15-day DL, retroactive to June 8. I knew I could trust Snooki.

Top Ten Ideas to Get D-Lee and A-Ram Hitting

They've done it like this. They've done it like that. They should try it with a Wiffle Ball bat.

If Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez could hit again, the comparisons of the Cubs' offense to the effects of an enlarged prostate would stop. But until things get flowing properly, here are 10 suggestions to help the slow, unpredictable trickle of corner-infield hits to get back to the rushing stream of extra-base hits we all expected.

Top Ten Ideas to Get D-Lee and A-Ram Hitting


10. Stop calling them D-Lee and A-Ram.

9. Let them use Wiffle Ball bats for increased bat speed.

8. Three words: Little. Jerry. Seinfeld.

7. Have them look in the mirror. That's what they all suggested Milton Bradley do, anyway.

6. Last one to get a hit each game wears the Hello Kitty backpack.

5. Convince them that while their abysmal start has been an absolute joke, it's still no replacement for Kevin Millar.

4. Give their mothers 10-year visas.

3. After three strikes: bring out the tee.

2. Substitute their advanced scouting videos with 15 hours of Lou Piniella saying, "Look, I don't know what else I can do."

1. 1980s campy movie solution: most triumphant video.

Cubs' Random Bullpen Generator

The reasoning behind the Cubs' bullpen/starting rotation moves is finally revealed.

Andrew Cashner is coming to the big leagues. The former #1 draft pick and ex-starting pitcher will be joining the big-boy club as the Cubs travel to their AAAA-affiliate Pittsburgh Pirates. (Yes, I know this AAAA-club has been smacking the Cubs around, they're still awful.) Joining young Andrew in the bullpen will be everyone's favorite line-drive-absorbing lefty, Tom Gorzelanny.

Zambrano pitched in relief yesterday and will officially, or at least practically, return to the starting rotation on Wednesday after his abbreviated, tumultuous, and downright bizarre stint in the bullpen. Randy Wells, who pitched only briefly and ineffectively on Friday, will move into Gorzelanny's slot in the rotation.

Cashner had been effective as a starting pitcher at every level so far this year, as has the Cubs' other promising pitching prospect, Jay Jackson. But Jackson was recently switched to the bullpen at AAA. Then Cashner was moved to the bullpen and Jackson returned to starting duty. Then they switched lockers and dated each other's mothers.

Meanwhile, the Cubs got drubbed in two of the three of the weekend games, although they did win easily in Jolly Lord Silva's brilliant start on Saturday. They really have been all over the place. Silva is good. Wells and Lilly are alternately dominant and dormant. Dempster's getting pretty homer unlucky. Carlos Marmol is insanely good. The bullpen in general seems to give up either 3 runs or zero baserunners every game. To quote Ron Santo, you just never know with this team.

You never know with this organization, either. In his post-game remarks, Lou expressed his desire to keep the randomness spinning through the lineup card as well, so we should prepare for a brand new look tomorrow. Maybe Geobeepee Soto will lead off. Maybe Aramis will hit bat ninth. Maybe I'll finally get a chance to hit cleanup.

Personally, I'll find a change welcome, but the one I'm most interested in seeing is a team other than the Cardinals. I hate that team. They lead the league in annoying fans. Their manager is the devil. Bring on the Buccos.

And until I see some type of consistency in performance or organizational direction, I'll hereby refer to the 2010 Cubs team as the Wrigley Randoms.

Is Aramis Back?

Aramis? Is that you?

After Monday's walk-off homer, Ron Santo declared Aramis Ramirez back (he has probably said it a half dozen times or so of late). For the record, A-Ram hasn't really gone anywhere. His bat has been missing. His look of determined competence was nowhere to be found. He appeared to be playing the role of Mike Fontenot's inept replacement at third base, but Aramis has been in the starting lineup for 36 of the Cubs' 40 games so far this year.

The hits haven't been there, though. Aramis has hit safely in just 22 of those 36 starts. Of his hitless games, he drew a walk (just one) in eight of them. He has three multi-hit games; one was opening day. The other two offensive explosions (two hits each) have come in the last five games. It's hard to say he is back, because he still hasn't had an extended stretch of productivity. But by comparison, he's definitely closer to being offensively relevant than he was at the beginning of the year.

Through his first 18 games (including one late-inning replacement) Aramis struck out 23 times in 79 plate appearances for a K% of PMET%*. Since then, he's fanned just 10 times in 84 PAs, a much improved (and much closer to his career 15.4% rate) 11.9%. So, yeah, Aramis is hitting the ball now.

But on the whole, Aramis is still way off his typical batted ball distribution. He typically hits 19.8% line drives, 35.2% grounders, 45% fly balls (13.4% of which wind up as homers), and 11.5% popups. This year, Ramirez has a line-drive rate of 14.7% (down a bit), groundball rate of 25% (way down), and a pop-up rate of 11.5% (almost exactly his average). The big difference? His flyball rate is 60.3%, a spike of almost 50% of his career average. Now that Aramis is actually putting the ball in play, most of those balls are going in the air. The real bad news: his homer per flyball rate is less than half his career standard: 5.7%.

So Ramirez is back in a sense: he's not completely lost at the plate anymore. Hopefully he can return to the guy who prefers hard line drives to towering moon shots, because he's pretty much an out machine right now. In his last five games, he's slugging .500. For the season: .288.

I like what I'm seeing out of Ramirez right now, and I have every reason to believe his last five games are more indicative of what we'll see than his first month and a half. We know the guy can hit, and we can see his slump wasn't permanent. Let's just hope the resurgence is neither too short nor too late.


*Pretty Much Every Time

In Our Own Image

Even I can run hard out of the box (which would be odd after a strikeout).

They make millions of dollars a year. They get paid those millions to play the game we love. They should consider themselves lucky to be professional baseball players and collect the hard earned money we shell out to watch them play the game we love. The least these players can do is to try their best.

Except, actually, that's not the least they can do—that's the most we could do. If we (and by we, I mean society . . . specifically the non-professional baseball playing segment of it) were to play baseball in the majors, we would absolutely suck. We wouldn't be able to hit. We wouldn't be able to pitch. We wouldn't be able to hit the cutoff man. But we could try really hard. We could run out our ground-outs and pop-ups. We could make smart decisions. We could hustle. We could not admire our non-homers. We could dirty our uniforms. We could be scrappy.

For fans who wish we could play, it's hard to forgive a multimillionaire for failing to do the things we know we could do or for making the mistakes we know we could avoid. So when Alfonso Soriano or Aramis Ramirez don't sprint out of the batter's box or when Ryan Theriot gets TOOTBLAN'd or when Lou decides John Grabow should pitch in a game we think the Cubs have a chance to win, we self-respecting Cub fans get a bit angry. I've been trying to figure out the reason behind the outrage, and the conclusion I've come to doesn't reflect on us all too well.

Cubs' Injured as Numerous as All Stars in the Sky

With injuries sidelining Ted Lilly and Alfonso Soriano for at least a few days, the Cubs are close to fielding a team of All Stars who have missed time this year due to injury. Check out this list of Cubs All-Stars (mostly of past years, obviously) who have been bitten by the ravenous injury bug at some point this year:

Milton Bradley

Ryan Dempster

Derrek Lee

Ted Lilly

Carlos Marmol

Aramis Ramirez

Alfonso Soriano

Geovany Soto

Carlos Zambrano

Am I missing anyone? Again, this isn't the list of Cubs who have been injured. This is the list of Cubs All Stars who have been injured. Cub All Stars have been injured nine times. Nine times! Granted, when they've been healthy, they haven't played like All Stars this year, but the Cubs can ill-afford to lose anymore players of this calibre for any length of time.

Hopefully Ted Theodore Lilly (esquire) can plow through this injury like so many Molina brothers. But for now, the Cubs really should be thanking their unlucky All Stars they're still in this pennant race.

Cubs Sox a Love Hate Relationship

I feel about the Cubs-Sox series pretty much the way I feel about roller coasters. They're exciting. They're nerve wracking. They're rarely boring. But by the end, I kind of want to throw up. It's essentially the same feeling I get when the Cubs play the Cardinals, except there is so much less at stake . . . and so much more.

With the Cards, each game is worth 2 in the standings (if the Cubs and Cardinals were to play today, a loss would send the Cubs 3 games behind St. Louis, a win would pull them within 1), so they all carry a ton of weight. But with the Sox, the competition is chiefly a battle for bragging rights, and there are a lot more Sox fans than Cards fans in my territory, so the bragging that goes on is real, prevalent, and annoying.

So here are a few of the pluses and minuses about enduring the Windy City matchups when I'm neither out of the country nor in a coma:

Love it

The intensity among the fans and the adrenaline in the players creates a playoff atmosphere.

Hate it

Have you watched the Cubs in the playoffs lately?

Love it

Ozzie and Lou are hilarious to watch and listen to, and uniting them in one building for three days makes for great TV and soundbites.

Hate it

Listening to people overreact to both of them, on the other hand, sucks rocks.

Love it

No matter how the season is going, this rivalry gives importance to at least 6 games at a time when either team might be irrelevant.

Hate it

Right now, these are two irrelevant teams.

Love it

The emotional high of seeing, say, an Aramis Ramirez walk-off homer is absolutely exquisite.

Hate it

My emotional high is on the DL.

Love it

After the World Series win in '05, Sox fans turned into a bunch of placated softies. I attended the infamous A.J./Barrett game the next year, and the crowd at the Cell was as laid back as can be.

Hate it

After the World Series win in '05, Cub fans effectively lost all bragging rights.

Love it

The series has been even, split down the middle, half Cub wins, half Cub losses.

Hate it

Those 33 losses really stunk. And I'll never forget the 2001 Sox sweep at Wrigley in '99 that effectively ended what had been a promising season. The Cubs never recovered . . . not sure I have either.

Love it

It's one of those events that get people talking about baseball again, bringing national attention to both teams, and arousing interest in people who don't usually care a lick about sports.

Hate it

At this point in my life, I just want a nice relaxing day at the park or in front of the TV or just driving easy breezy with the radio tuned to 720. Cubs + White Sox almost never = relaxing.

I'm not one of those who hates the Sox with a passion. I like quite a few Sox fans. The Cell is a nice place to go see a game. If we're honest, both teams historically stink. I'm glad for the chance to watch some meaningful baseball, but will someone please wake me when things are meaningless again?

In the meantime, let me know what you think. Do you love or hate the Cubs/White Sox series?

UPDATE: With the recent disclosure from the NY Times about Sosa's alleged 2003 positive steroid test (I'm not even going to honor that rag by linking to it), I have to say the pendulum has swung over to the Hate it side. These big moments provide the perfect occasions for pseudo-journalists to release bombshell stories with zero attribution of fact.