Also a Way of Life: [L]ethal Projectiles

How exactly does one attack safety vigorously, Bud?

Will Cubs Baseball Ever Love Us Back?

D'oh.

In his Hall of Fame induction speech, Andre Dawson repeatedly mused that if you love the game of baseball enough, the game will love you back. The moment itself was proof enough to Andre of the truth of his proverb, but the Cubs-Cardinals game that followed presented a pretty convincing rebuttal.

Even though Cubs fans still get caught loving the possibility of sweeping St. Louis and hoping that things would turn a bit less hopeless, baseball has no love for Cubs fans. Every team loses. Every team goes through stretches where they leave runners stranded, watch opposing homers untie games in extras, and find new ways to turn excitement into disappointment at neck-breaking speeds. But chronic losing isn't an every now and then affair with the Cubs.

For the Cubs and their fans, losing is a way of life.

Apparently we love it. Sure, the Cubs had a date with world-champion baseball for a couple, but it's been over a century. I don't know if she's gonna call back. The Cubs and winning have been seeing other people for 102 years. I'll keep loving baseball—yes, Cubs baseball—but with all due respect to the Hawk, I expect my love to go unrequited for another century or two.

With Z, the Picture's Worth 1,000 Angry Words

What does this man have left to say?

Zambrano is going to be allowed to speak his mind to his teammates before he says anything to the media. That's phenomenal. I think the look on his face in the photo (imported from the link above) says it all.  Maybe he's just tracking the flight of a fly ball, and I'm probably reading far too much into it, but he looks like a guy who is taking in a game he loves while feeling like he no longer belongs.

I'll allow you to draw your own conclusions.

Also a Way of Life: [L]inguistics

Because sometimes . . . um . . . yeah.

Second-Half Survival Strategies for Cubs Fans

The goal is to capture the flag. When that fails, try to avoid looking like a total idiot (unless idiocy is your strategy).

The Cubs begin play today 10 games under .500 and 10 games behind the Central Division's new leaders, the St. Louis Cardinals. They're 4th in the Central and 9th (9.5 GB) in the Wild Card standings. None of those circumstances fill me with joy, but the state of the 2010 Cubs season makes me feel a lot like Miracle Max overlooking the Man in Black's mostly dead body: I've seen worse.

Aside from going through the team's pockets to look for loose change, the prevailing opinion among pessimists, realists, and guarded optimists has been that the Cubs should hold a fire sale. Toss the bulky expiring contracts overboard like so much ballast from the sinking ship and try to sail again next year (or the year after that {or the year after that}). Other more delightedly delusional fans think it's not too late for the Cubs (yes, the Chicago Cubs) to make a run at the postseason. These fans seem open to a trade or two, but the only white flags they want to see waving at Wrigley are the ones of the rarely used W variety.

I don't know what the Cubs should (or even can) do, but I want to help you, my fellow Cubs fan, understand what your options are as our team finishes out the remaining 70 games in this seemingly interminable season. Is it too late to hope, and what should we be hoping for? Let's survey the landscape and see what mindset will result in the fewest headaches and/or heartbreaks.

Some Cubs Traditions Just Won't Go Away: Steve Goodman

The Cubs added lights to Wrigley Field. They started playing walk-up music instead of organ preludes. They might put an end to the celebrity 7th-inning stretch (not that I've heard anything, but it could happen). They could sell the naming rights to the ballpark. Willis Field has a certain ring to it. They could stop playing day games. They could move. Bleacher aristocrats could stop throwing home-run balls back onto the field. Almost any Cubbie tradition could come to an end.

Almost. The one the Cubs don't appear to have any inclination to change is their bent toward losing with commitment and creativity. I posted this video around this time last year, so I thought I might as well make it a tradition for this blog. Because, although they might eventually choose a song other than "Go Cubs Go" to blare over the Wrigley loudspeakers, they'll always manage to live up to the dismal hopes of this Steve Goodman rhapsody.

Also a Way of Life: [L]amebrained Planning

Mattress on the roof > Zambrano to the bullpen. Photo by e0nn

The Steinbrenner [W]ay

George Steinbrenner, July 4, 1930–July 13, 2010
11 AL Pennants. 7 World Series Titles.

Also a Way of Life: [L]azy Sundays

Sometimes you feel like cheering for another team, but your indolence is chronic. Now go get me a cupcake.

And for your viewing pleasure, enjoy the musical version of this Way of [L]ife.

Also a Way of Life: [L]osing Your Mind

Yes, that's Sean Connery. Yes, we're insane.

Comic Sans [L]eBron

Because when you really want to let someone have it, you do it in a font that's filled with hate.

Also a Way of Life: [L]oving Your Captors

From Wikipedia: In psychology, Stockholm syndrome is a term used to describe a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express adulation and have positive feelings towards their captors that appear irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims. (courtesy of CubsMagicNumber)

Also a Way of Life: [L]osing Everything

This one's courtesy of Tim from Tales from Aisle 424. If you're willing to bet it all that some day your luck will turn around, you're living the Wrigley Way of Life.

Yet Another Way: [L]eBron James

You don't have to be a champion to want everyone to love you.

Also a Way of Life: Gluttony

Cubs fans are gluttons for punishment . . . and complex carbohydrates.

Also a Way of Life: Meth Addiction

This really is the best marketing slogan ever.

Here it is, the first in a series of things besides being a Cubs fan that can also be considered A Way of Life. And to think someone considered "A Way of Life" to be a good thing. . . .