B. J. Ryan Signs with Cubs: Should We Care?

B. J. Ryan is a Chicago Cub, or at least he's in the Cubs' minor-league system, according to ESPN Chicago. Last year with the Blue Jays, Ryan had 32 saves and a sub-3 ERA. But in 2007 and 2009, his effectiveness has been limited by arm trouble that has brought him more walks than strikeouts.

But the most important letter in the B. J. signing is L. Ryan is a lefty.

Could the Cubs have struck gold? Or is this just Neal Cotts part deux? Time, that verbose piece of garbage, will tell. But my guess is hopeful: I think the Cubs have landed a much-needed addition to their bullpen, which already looks like the most improved part of this team.

Confirmed: Cardinal Fans Are Full of Crap

It wasn't a surprise to hear card-carrying Cardinal Lovers Joe Buck and Tim McCarver lavishing praise on the St. Louis fans during the All Star festivities. But I had to giggle when they started discussing the respect the Cardinal faithful show to the opposition.

The hypocrisy was in full effect during the All-Star Game introductions, as evidenced with hilarity by this clip from a Chicago Sun-Times article on the All-Star proceedings:

Coming home

Among the American League All-Stars, White Sox left-hander Mark Buehrle got the loudest ovation from the crowd at Busch Stadium during pregame introductions. Buehrle said he didn't know what to expect, but doubted he would get booed.
Buehrle -- a lifelong Cardinals fan -- knows St. Louis baseball fans consider him one of their own.
''I remember when I was a kid, you come here and the Cardinals could lose 1-0 and they give the other pitcher a standing ovation if he pitched a good game,'' said Buehrle, who grew up 25 minutes away in St. Charles, Mo. ''They enjoyed seeing good baseball. If someone hit three home runs or had a great game offensively, they were applauding the other team instead of booing them like most stadiums where they boo the opposing teams.''

Boos for Lilly

St. Louis fans have their limits and they showed that by booing Lilly -- the Cubs' lone representative. Lilly took it in stride, smiling as he tipped his cap.

I'm going to let you in on a secret: I agree that Cardinal fans are good fans. They follow their team, they wear the silly Cardinal gear, and they actually pay attention to the game. They do all the things fans are supposed to do . . . including booing the opposition. But I hate it when commentators like Buck and McCarver promote the ridiculous positive stereotype that all (or even most) Cardinal fans are prim, proper, dignified saints transported straight out of Victorian England. They can be just as rude, vulgar, vindictive, and disrespectful as the next fan.

And, like their White-Sox cheering counterparts, St. Louis fans are often consumed with anti-Cub obsession. Yes, despite the fact that both sets of fans have enjoyed multiple World Series championships since the Cubs last sniffed World Series glory, they are still preoccupied with hating on the Cubs. Why?

The answer is pretty simple. Cardinal fans are jealous. Jealous of the losing? No. Jealous of the drunken idiots populating Wrigley in ever-increasing numbers? Not so much. They're simply jealous of the national adoration poured on a team they find undeserving of praise. Cardinal (and White Sox) fans who spontaneously spew insults at the Cubs and their fans are like People magazine readers who don't understand why Julia Roberts keeps showing up in the "50 Most Beautiful People" issue. They just don't get the fascination, and they hate us for it.

Okay, maybe they hate the drunken idiots and the loudmouths and the hypnotized drones who fail to recognize the success of other teams, too. But most of all, I think Cards fans resent the Cubs for being the default fan favorite of people who don't really know or care about baseball.

If you're a fan of the Cardinals and/or the Sox, I understand the sentiment. I understand why you don't like the Cubs and their fans. But when you go out of your way to bash them, it just cheapens your image and your love of your teams. If it's any consolation, a lot of us hate you, too. But most of us have the self-respect to avoid talking about you unless it's absolutely necessary. This is one of those times.

Moving on . . .

You asked for it. Now has Lou gone too far?

It seems like just a few weeks ago, the Cub community was practically begging Lou to let his inner rageaholic erupt all over the friendly confines. And in the last couple of weeks, we've seen the Old Lou rearing his steaming little puce head.

He got ejected arguing a blown call at 1st base that cost the Cubs a rare 2-out run. Everybody loved that one.

Lou was overheard calling Milton Bradley a piece of tin (Ferris Bueller dubbed-for-TV version). Milton was overheard responding with respect and *gasp* self-control. Even though 98% of the city of Chicago has been overheard calling Milton Bradley a piece of tin, I don't think anybody can genuinely call that appropriate employer-employee communication. What's worse, instead of declaring a genuine public apology, Lou told us that he and Milton talked and then issued a classic theya culpa in which he blamed the rats in U.S. Cellular for leaking the outburst.

And before the dreadful finale against the Braves, Lou pulled Soriano out of the lineup without letting him know his underperforming butt would be riding the bench. Soriano was none too happy to be led astray, although he had no intentions of discussing it with Lou. The conventional wisdom says that the chronically slumping prima donna has no business being upset, especially if he's not willing to confront Lou about it. This is one of those frequent instances in which I find the conventional wisdom to be full of crap.

A) Soriano gets paid too much to be benched willy nilly. One of the downsides of giving athletes mega-million-dollar contracts is that it forces you to have to deal with rich people who won't take your crap. B) The only way Soriano doesn't get upset about an unannounced benching is if he doesn't care. He definitely gets paid too much not to care, and most fans have been complaining he doesn't care enough. C) Whether they're stock clerks or left fielders, people expect consistent treatment from their managers. Unexpected frostiness always ticks off employees, especially really, really rich ones.

All that said, it isn't clear that Piniella being a jerk is the wrong move. Maybe he got through to Milton Bradley. Maybe he's lit a fire under Soriano. The trouble is, if Lou keeps going to the jerk well, eventually players' tolerance will dry up. I wonder if the pre-game drama may have affected the team during that last game against the Braves. Scoff if you will, but I don't doubt that Soriano getting jilted could have put the whole lineup on edge. His post-game tirade may have pushed some players over that edge.

The thing is, Lou gave a great answer, in essence, to the redundant questions about the lagging offense. Absent of emotion, Lou's answer to the press was just, "Hey, you keep asking me why guys aren't hitting, and you're asking the wrong guy. I don't hit, and I don't instruct guys how to hit. As journalists, you really ought to direct your questions to the appropriate parties." But that's not how the media, fans, and (perhaps) players may have interpreted it.

Most fans and media seem to think Lou was heaving blame on the players and hitting coach, Von Joshua. I don't think that's what Lou was doing, but if the players think he's ripping into them and a guy the younger players have liked and respected for a long time . . . they might shut down. But with this offense, could we even tell the difference.

Step Back, Folks, This Is Baseball

Okay, the Cubs lost. They looked bad. The offense. Soriano's mad. Lou's fed up. Dempster's toe. Geo may have proven Rod Beck wrong and actually pulled fat. And it's getting old saying, Hey, we're only 3 games out of first.

But enough with the angst, people. This is baseball. When it goes well, let's enjoy. When it doesn't, enjoy something else.

I realize I picked the wrong year to start blogging about the Cubs. And that's okay. Maybe it's just teaching me to accept the fact that this is just a game. An infuriating game, at times, yes. But getting angry or jaded or drunk or vindictive does not make me a better fan. Booing doesn't make you a better fan. Booing only draws attention to the fact that your hopes are pinned to someone who, while stinking up the place, is still infinitely better than you ever were or could ever hope to be at your dream. Don't bring yourself to that realization, people. Leave that pile of pathetic just a shade beyond your sphere of awareness.

Let the Cubs be your stuffed tiger. One day, that championship team we all envision in our heads will spring to life for real so everyone else can see it. But for now, just enjoy the delusion. Chill. Enjoy. Move on.

TUTR Time: Halladay on His Way to Cubs?

Roy Halladay is a stud. The Cubs now need pitching help after Ryan Dempster broke his big toe celebrating a Cubs victory (yes, I am going to make a thrill of victory, agony of de-feet joke, albeit parenthetical). The Toronto Blue Jays are shopping Roy Halladay.

Naturally, this has sent the wheels into motion here in the home offices of TUTR (Totally Unrealistic Trade Rumors). Here's what my sources have uncovered:

Jim Hendry and J. P. Ricciardi are close to a deal that would bring Roy Halladay to the Friendly Confines. The deal wouldn't be without its cost to the Cubs.

People close to the negotiations say the Cubs may be willing to part with utility infielder Aaron Miles and cash considerations. Miles's inability to recover from a seemingly minor injury and proven lack of big-league power make him Major League Baseball's last rock-solid example of a player who is completely beyond the realm of reckless PED speculation. The Cubs, nay, the country, are afraid to lose their sole untainted insurance policy.

I say, let's take that chance.

Solution: Platoon the Whole Outfield

Sam Fuld hit neither of the 2 Cub homers in tonight's 4-1 win over the Pirates, but he just may have won the game for the Cubs. In place of Soriano in left and in the leadoff spot, Fuld was on base all night, he made a handful of spectacular plays in the field, and he threw out a potential game-tying run at the plate. With a right-handed pitcher on the mound, is there any reason the left-handed Fuld shouldn't be back in this same spot?

Kosuke Fukudome homered tonight, and I hope he's breaking out of his perpetual post-May slump. But when Reed Johnson returns from the DL, is there any reason Kosuke should start against lefties?

As a lefty, Milton Bradley looked pretty decent tonight. And if he resurrects his 2009 season, God bless him. But we've seen Hoffpauir hit against righties, and the results have certainly been better than the MB debacle. Even Jake Fox as a righty would look better against RHP's than what we've seen from Milton, and once Aramis Ramirez returns, it would be a shame to see Fox exit completely from the starting lineup. So . . . would a Milton/Fox/Hoff platoon really be such a bad idea?

Now, as Lou was getting ejected in tonight's game, I had a sneaking suspicion that what really set him off was the 1st base ump's intimation that Lou should have sat Soriano about a week ago. (Aside: Milton and Carlos take note, Lou always takes his hat off when launching into a tirade to avoid inadvertent bumps and the suspensions and fines that accompany them.) So it is with meager hesitation that I toss this suggestion in Lou's general direction. But why not consider it, Your Sweetness?

Platoon the whole outfield. Soriano, Johnson, and Bradley against the lefties; Fuld, Fukudome, and Fox/Hoff (the all f-bomb squad) against the righties. Could it really go any worse than what we've suffered through?

Is Losing the True Cubs Business Model?

Are the Chicago Cubs Friends or Moonlighting?

Ross and Rachel hooked up on the former, and the show enjoyed a ratings bonanza. But when David and Maddie finally succumbed to the tension, Moonlighting was destroyed forever.

And today I'm facing a question, the question, I've avoided for thirty years: Will they or won't they?

Because the offseason moves that just won't die have added a new wrinkle that I can't iron out. As a die-hard Cub fan, I'm predisposed to hold on to hope, justifying every move the team makes until it's absolutely, undeniably proven to have failed. So when the Cubs sent Mark DeRosa packing and went chasing after Milton Bradley like lost baggage that cost $30 million to reclaim, this romance with the Cubs really started to feel like work. I had to try to feel good about DeRosa leaving and perhaps landing Peavy. I had to try to be optimistic about Milton Bradley. I mean, come ON, did anyone hear the news of either move and say, "Awesome!" "Yes!" or "Oh goody!"??!!??

No one in Cubdom said anything like that without having to sham-wow the sarcasm off themselves. And as I see the Cubs' failures boil over into the realm of sub-.500 psychosis, I have to wonder: Did the Cubs do this on purpose?

Let's re-examine this, okay? When the Cubs got swept for the second consecutive opening playoff round, most people agreed that the Cubs suffered a mental breakdown against the Dodgers. That the prescribed antidote for a mental breakdown was gaining Milton Bradley and losing Mark DeRosa is, in my book, the classical definition of self-destructive behavior. And now, seeing how those 2 moves may very well be the undoing of this powerhouse, I have to assume the Cubs, intentionally or subconsciously, wanted this to happen.

The Cubs front office is running this team like the producers of The Office, The X-Files, Who's the Boss, and every other will-they-or-won't-they show that ever milked the anticipation of consummation for ratings glory. Was it an accident that Pam declined Jim's advances? Was it out of anyone's control to finally get Mulder and Scully together? Were Tony and Angela cursed? No, no, NO! The people behind all of those shows knew that a resolution to the sexual tension could put an end to the only thing compelling the frenzied masses to watch in the first place.

Look at what happened to David & Maddie. The answer finally came back (They will, and they did) and no one ever really watched Moonlighting again. Isn't it possible that the ownership and front office of the Chicago Cubs are afraid that a World Series title would end the romance? Are they worried that after the WS Trophy finally answers the Cubs' booty call, they'll wake up with nothing but shame, regret, and loneliness? And if so, what can we do to stop this?

Listen, Cubs, I'm in this thing for life. I don't know about the other fans, but if you bring that trophy to the Wrigley Field altar, I vow to take that trophy to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward until death parts us. I'm yours, Cubs. Don't sabotage this or any season because you're afraid it won't work out in the end. It will it can. But you need to want to make it work.

Some will say that the Cubs need a second baseman. Others still pine for a consistent left-handed power hitter. A new closer? A new manager? No, my fellow Cub fans, what we need is a relationship counselor. Come on, Jim Hendry . . . let's do it for the children. Let's do it . . . for love.