Do What You Love. Now.

More than 8,000 games managed are being celebrated in that hug.

Lou Piniella came up for four games with the Baltimore Orioles in 1964. He didn't make it back to the big leagues until a six-game stint with the Indians in 1968 followed by his rookie-of-the-year campaign with the Royals in 1969. Never again has more than one season of Major League Baseball transpired without the likes of Lou Piniella.

Lou last played with the Yankees in 1984 and took over as manager in 1986. His next year off was '89 in between his time in New York and in Cincinnati, where he won the World Series in 1990. He didn't miss a single game of the regular season in between his transitions from the Reds to the Mariners or from Seattle to Tampa. 2006 was the last year Lou Piniella didn't have a full-time job with Major League Baseball, and even then he worked as an analyst for FOX.

Since he first started playing for the Selma Cloverleafs in 1962, Lou Piniella has made a living in the game of baseball. From 1962 to 2010, the man had three vacations from baseball: 1985, 1989, 2006. That's it. He had a chance to do what he loved for nearly 50 years.

I don't know how a guy like that could say goodbye without crying, especially seeing as though he did not have the chance to end things on his own terms.

Au Revoir, Sweet Lou

Goodbye, Lou. Thanks for leading the Cubs to three winning seasons and one worth leaving early.

Lou Piniella is about to manage his last game with the Cubs and probably his last ever. He'll retire with more than 1,800 wins and more than 100 more wins over .500 as a manager. More importantly than where he'll spend the rest of this season, he will be near his mother for the rest of his life. If you have ever been there for someone in their final moments, whether it's for mere seconds or over the course of many long years, it is simultaneously painful and rewarding. (When anyone says that about being a Cubs fan, I hope they're kidding. There is no comparison. Watching losing baseball is a mild annoyance. Losing someone you love redefines you.)

In baseball terms, Lou has been a great manager for the Cubs and the Rays and the Mariners and the Reds and the Yankees. But honestly, I don't really know what that entails. It is strictly impossible to quantify what anyone else would have done with the teams Lou had. The people who didn't manage his teams have nothing but what if's and would have's. Lou did it. No one can measure what someone else would have done in his place, but what you can measure is that for 3,548 games, an owner of a Major League Baseball team entrusted Lou to do the job.

Cubs Lose on Octuple Play

Official score on that play: 4-6-6-3-6-6-2-5-2

In what has to be the crowning achievement in the franchise's legacy of fail, the Cubs dropped the final game in the four-game sweep at the hands of the Padres by grounding into a game-ending octuple play in the 7th inning. Cubs manager Lou Piniella was flummoxed.

"Look, I've been around a long time in baseball, and I've never seen anything like this. I don't know what to say to these guys, I really don't," said the weary manager who was ejected and called out two thirds of the way through the play.

With the bases loaded and one out, Cubs second baseman Blake DeWitt hit a soft line drive that skipped in the dirt just before his Padres counterpart Jerry Hairston Jr. caught it. He flipped to short to retire Jeff Baker at second, but Tyler Colvin, who thought the line drive would be caught, was tagged out returning to second as well. The return throw beat DeWitt to first for the seemingly unnecessary fourth out of the inning, the third of what turned out to be eight on the play.

I Don't Have a Topic. Cubs Stuff.

The Cubs have lost more one-run decisions than anyone else in the majors. I guess that means they're almost really good.

The Cubs are 13-28 (.317) in games decided by one run. They've come dangerously close to not losing 28 times.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. If baseball were horseshoes, the Cubs would be the champions. If baseball were hand grenades, everyone  would be dead.

The Cubs are 3-9 (.250) against the Pirates. The Pirates are 39-74 (.345). So, if you're following, the Cubs against the Pirates < the Cubs in 1-run games < the Pirates in general.

Against teams not named the Cubs, the Pirates are 30-71 (.297). That's almost as bad as the Cubs are against the Pirates, but not quite.

The Cubs playing the Pirates is quite possibly the worst baseball you could ever see played at the Major League level. They should probably be playing hand grenades.

Roy Halladay has a 7.50 ERA against the Cubs this year. Tim Lincecum has a 13.50 ERA against the Cubs this year. Their respective ERAs overall are 2.34 and 3.41. That is weird.

Tony LaRussa will be suspended for two of the Cubs' upcoming games against the Cardinals. The St. Louis middle infielders will have to remember on their own to start back and charge in when there's a runner at third.

Darwin Barney's middle name should be comma.

When athletes who play sports that do not allow fighting get into fights, they should be arrested. When I beat up my coworkers, I'm never granted two days off. They always press charges.

A beer at Wrigley costs seven dollars. That's outrageous. If they used the same ROI ratio they use to price tickets, seven dollars would only get you a glass of trough juice.

That was gross. I'm sorry. But if this were Wrigley, you'd still owe me $14 for that joke.

Most of the Cubs roster now looks to Starlin Castro for his veteran wisdom.

The Cajun Connection is now split onto opposite sides of baseball's most heated West Coast rivalry. Their dueling hip-hop albums cannot be far behind.

I'm out of ideas. Now I know how Lou felt in mid-April.

A Portrait of Cubbieness

Ricketts and Hendry reflect on the Piniella era: it's not success, but it ain't that bad.

Now that we know Lou Piniella's days as manager of the Chicago Cubs have a definitive number (while Jim Hendry's do not) and we've all endured the initial explosive reaction from media both social and mainstream, it's time to take a deep breath of whatever gaseous substance you wish to inhale and look at where the Cubs really stand. Between the lines of yesterday's press conference is a rather clear portrait of what the near future of the Cubs is going to look like.

While I can't argue too fiercely with interpretations to the contrary, I don't think it's that bad. Let's strip down yesterday's off-the-field developments to bare facts.

Lou Piniella is retiring after this season. I always thought this was the plan, but until yesterday Lou had discussed his longterm outlook with a certain je-ne-sais-Favre. Speculation swirls as to why Lou's agent let the news slip at this point in the season, and I can answer that question with resounding certainty: I don't care. I mean, really, between the trades that aren't happening and the NL Central deficit that isn't shrinking, there isn't much left to distract from. The reasons behind the news leak or Lou's decision to retire construct a thoroughly boring mystery. I trust Lou when he says he's retiring because he wants to retire and not because of the product on the field. No one really cares about the why, it's the what next that's generating real buzz. And Lou's replacement is far less important than the matter of Hendry's job security.

Second-Half Survival Strategies for Cubs Fans

The goal is to capture the flag. When that fails, try to avoid looking like a total idiot (unless idiocy is your strategy).

The Cubs begin play today 10 games under .500 and 10 games behind the Central Division's new leaders, the St. Louis Cardinals. They're 4th in the Central and 9th (9.5 GB) in the Wild Card standings. None of those circumstances fill me with joy, but the state of the 2010 Cubs season makes me feel a lot like Miracle Max overlooking the Man in Black's mostly dead body: I've seen worse.

Aside from going through the team's pockets to look for loose change, the prevailing opinion among pessimists, realists, and guarded optimists has been that the Cubs should hold a fire sale. Toss the bulky expiring contracts overboard like so much ballast from the sinking ship and try to sail again next year (or the year after that {or the year after that}). Other more delightedly delusional fans think it's not too late for the Cubs (yes, the Chicago Cubs) to make a run at the postseason. These fans seem open to a trade or two, but the only white flags they want to see waving at Wrigley are the ones of the rarely used W variety.

I don't know what the Cubs should (or even can) do, but I want to help you, my fellow Cubs fan, understand what your options are as our team finishes out the remaining 70 games in this seemingly interminable season. Is it too late to hope, and what should we be hoping for? Let's survey the landscape and see what mindset will result in the fewest headaches and/or heartbreaks.

Z, Interrupted

Z angry! Z smash!!!

Carlos Zambrano's rampage of terror has finally been stopped. After storming through the Cub dugout, terrorizing a camera crew outside of U.S. Cellular Field, and ravaging a Brazilian steakhouse with Ozzie Guillen, Zambrano finally succumbed to Cubs staff armed with tranquilizer cannons and electromagnetically powered titanium restraining belts. It took a few days to gain approval for his ultimate confinement while the ACLU and PETA wrangled to determine which group should be defending his rights.

Finally the dust has settled, freeing Jim Hendry to inform the public about the protective measures in place to minimize the damage Zambrano can inflict upon society. Long story short, we can breathe easy until after the All-Star Break. Big Z won't be around to hurt any of us for quite some time. But don't take my word for it. Here's Hendry's statement, point by reassuring point:

Beginning Wednesday, Carlos will undergo a treatment program . . .

This is where a lot of the mainstream media have begun to water down the severity of the issue, referring to the prescribed course of action as "anger management" or "counseling." Make no mistake: this is treatment. You don't often hear people say Carlos Zambrano has an "anger problem."  The term you hear thrown around almost universally is nut job.

So don't leave this happy press conference thinking Carlos is going to be attending a few classes, some private sessions, and some group therapy. This is a serious medical issue that will require the utmost in clinical expertise.

. . . with mutually agreed upon doctors from the Players' Association and Major League Baseball.

Now wait a second, here. Are these doctors selected from the ranks of the Players' Association and Major League Baseball, or are they selected and agreed upon by those two parties? Doc Halladay is a hell of a pitcher, but he's not qualified to take on a head case like Big Z. I'm going to go ahead and assume that the MLBPA and MLB will together avail themselves of the best psychiatric minds in the world.

Whatever crack military analysts have been  predicting the movements of Osama bin Laden, pull them off that cold case and put them on Zambrano. We need to know what strain of inhuman pathology has sent him down this path of self-destruction and what we can expect him to try next.

Basically, he will have to follow the treatment for his issues and be evaluated properly . . .

I'm sure the Zambrano family and both of his fans appreciate Hendry glossing over Carlos's soulless predilection for torture as "his issues," but the bottom line is that drastic experimental procedures need to be administered swiftly and relentlessly to ensure some semblance of public safety when Zambrano ventures back into society. Godzilla had issues. Zambrano has serious problems.

. . . and if the program is acted on properly in accordance to what the doctors they signify he needs to work on and improve on, and follow their directives, Carlos will not be reinstated any time until after the All-Star break.

Wait . . . what? If the weapons-grade lithium injections and shock treatment is properly executed and Zambrano stays conscious throughout the sensory deprivation and neural reprogramming, Zambrano won't be reinstated until after the ASB? So what happens if one of those pillars of personal transformation should crumble? Euthanasia? Siberian exile? Trade to the White Sox? I guess we'll cross that chasm into the eternal abyss when we come to it.

We've obviously had a lot of transgressions with Carlos in the past . . .

I hope Jim was just being polite with that first-person plural. If  Hendry, Lou, et al. have had transgressions with Carlos, I'd hate to see what scarlet letters emblazon their breasts. BP, maybe? But since the punishment is being prescribed to just Carlos, I can only assume that Zambrano alone has transgressed while Hendry, Piniella, the Ricketts family, and all of society have been mere victims of (not participators in) his tumultuous binges of iniquity.

. . . so I think we all agreed that it was time to go and get help, then address the apologies later.

Yes, we need to call in the authorities on this one. There's plenty of time for tear-filled remorse in between sodium pentothal injections. That's why they let you watch.

It's an unfortunate situation.

Yes, it was completely a function of luck. The powers of fortune and fate transpired to bring Carlos's demons to the surface. This "situation" had nothing to do with Hendry and Piniella moving Zambrano to the bullpen (which Hendry had stocked with rookies, pet projects, washed-up veterans, and injuries in waiting) just long enough for him to adjust to the move and then to draw him back into the rotation. The incessant criticism of Zambrano's better-than-average 2009 (in which the Cub offense behind him scored an average of .0002 runs per month, hence the single-digit win total) wasn't meant to make Z angry. The repetitive trade rumors leaked by the front office (despite Zambrano's insistence that he loved Chicago and would never leave) were immaterial to Zambrano's psychological condition. Oh no, Z has a medical problem brought on by the fickle middle finger of fortune.

. . . and His actions were certainly inappropriate and as I said on Friday, those actions toward his teammates and staff will not be tolerated.

Of course. This organization does not tolerate furious yelling. They just incite it.

That's why we tried to work to a conclusion as efficiently and as quickly as we could.

Had they the budget to hire a sniper on short notice, the conclusion would have been much quicker and more efficient. But in a world of backloaded contracts and suffocating debt relief, a suspension and a marathon date with the league shrink will have to do.

It's really pretty amazing how Hendry has managed to make Zambrano's outburst look like the mad confession of a serial killer. The past few days just gave Hendry's office time to find the bodies. A lot of people have criticized Hendry, Lou, and Zambrano's teammates for berating Z so openly, but it's really genius PR work. The excessive complaints, the drama, the mystery of Zambrano's whereabouts, and the complete absence of any definitive statement from Carlos himself have all created this grand illusion that Zambrano is criminally insane.

Hendry didn't have the slightest difficulty getting approval for intensive "treatment" for Zambrano because he made it so clear to the world that Zambrano is a sick, sick man. Lou seemed pretty calm in the dugout when the incident happened. After the game he was cool and collected but, admittedly, embarrassed. By the time evening fell, the shock of it all came crashing down and Lou was suddenly unable to eat.

Jim Hendry was likewise furious. Beside himself . . . with glee. Hendry has been looking to get rid of Zambrano for awhile now. He didn't want him in the rotation. He couldn't put him in the bullpen. He couldn't trade him, release him, or send him down to the minors. What's left? Thank DeRosa for the restricted list!

But didn't all this diminish Zambrano's trade value? Not at all! Don't you see the evil genius at work? This isn't a character flaw in Zambrano. This is a medical issue. He's getting treatment. Zambrano's temper is about to undergo Tommy John surgery, and the recovery time, apparently, is about three weeks. Whoever gets Zambrano at the end of July won't be getting a moody, ineffective reliever, they'll be getting the finest Carlos modern medicine can buy, one with the confidence, sensitivity, and electric fastball that can make him the ace of any staff.

It's too bad. I liked angry Z. He made me laugh and, unlike almost everyone else on this team, he didn't make me yawn until I wanted to pass out. I'm not defending what Zambrano did. Truth be told, I don't even know what Zambrano did. Whatever it was he did or said, and whatever fractured reasoning was behind it, I highly doubt it calls for a lobotomy.

Just Deserts

My wife and I took the boys to see Toy Story 3 today. It's a fine movie, but it reminded me why I don't go to movies very often anymore. I told my youngest you eat popcorn when you go to the theater, but I didn't tell him it cost $6.00 for a bucket of stale, burnt-toast flavored not-goodness.

And as I shelled out good money for something I knew would make a negative contribution to the cinematic experience (yet fulfill my popcorn promises), I thought about what a terrible business practice it is to so blatantly screw over your customers. But then I inwardly scolded myself. I can't be that critical of a business practice if I'm stupid enough to fall prey to it (and I'm standing in line with my fellow intellectual paralytics). I shouldn't have told my son it's tradition to eat popcorn at the movies. I should have told him that movie theaters treat ticket holders with contempt and that any smart person would refuse to accept it.

But I didn't, and I got what I deserved. And everyone in the Cubs universe gets their just deserts*, too.

Carlos Zambrano invented his own personal brand of crazy and will be punitively sent to the bullpen upon his indefinite return from suspension. Does he deserve it? Why not. You act like that in front of people who don't like you and have the power to make you pay for it, you know there will be consequences.

Cubs' management showed with this bullpen shift that Zambrano's initial stint as a reliever had nothing to do with baseball. Hendry and Lou wanted Z in his place even though they knew he didn't belong in the bullpen—he belonged in the doghouse. So they got what they deserved, an angry, ineffective, jerked-around anti-ace. They should have seen this blow-up coming, because Z isn't exactly an easy-going flower of a man. Doing something so stupid as giving their $91-million pitcher the Samardzija treatment makes much less sense than signing either of those guys in the first place.

Zambrano, meanwhile, deserves both his money (he pitched very well in his early career and would have commanded an even larger contract on the free agent market) and the foul treatment. He gave the Cubs a hometown discount (yeah, believe it or not, a discount), but he should have known it came at a higher price than just a few million dollars. He signed with a team he should have predicted would screw him over. Shame on you, Carlos. You and the Cubs are each other's just deserts.

Jim Hendry, you've created something of a trend with your indefinite suspensions, ironic since you were responsible for signing the players you suspended. Why you would make someone a mega-millionaire and then ground him is up to you, but when the message you send fails to result in winning baseball, the dizzying mess of bleating, whining, and winless chemistry will be well deserved.

Lou will walk away from the Cubs at the end of this season with a lot of extra millions, a couple of extra headaches, a slightly higher blood pressure reading, and only the slightest hint of regret. He knew what he was walking into when he took the helm in Wrigleyville, and he knew the glory and the criticism that would pour down upon him with every win and loss.

Derrek Lee and his fellow teammates, all of whom received a vicious tongue-lashing from Zambrano, fully deserved to be criticized publicly by a crazy man.

Kevin Millar deserves to be working TV with the opportunity to laugh at the misfortunes of his former spring-training team.

The Ricketts family profess to have been fans of this team and yet still saw fit to pay nearly a billion dollars to make it their own. They got what they paid for. They're the proud owners of a one-of-a-kind masterpiece of awful. Congrats. Your just deserts just happen to be plunging in value at the moment. Go ahead and raise ticket prices again, why don'tcha?

I mustn't forget my favorite group of friends, the fans. We cheer for a team we know won't win. Some of us, myself included, are willing to pay upwards of $60 to sit in the blazing hot sun and bask in the glow of a 12-0 suckfest. I deserved what I got, a good time with friends, an uber-fast lopsided loss, and the freakiest farmer's tan I've ever seen.  Should I be upset that the Cubs are now running a promotion to dispense those same tickets at a $10 rate (which is nearly doubled by fees) or that other fans can buy scalped tickets for even less, sans convenience fees but with twice as much convenience?

No, I should be just a bit more aware of the idiocy I've allowed to run my life. This feeling of anger and apathy swirling together in a delicious angst-ridden suckcicle is my just desert and I must suck it.

*No, I didn't spell it wrong. Look it up.

Zut Alors!

Video clip certainly to be taken down by MLB in 5...4...3...2...

Carlos Zambrano got into a fight with Derrek Lee, probably because Derrek was the first one to respond to the tirade Z directed at the entire dugout after a rocky 4-run 1st inning against the White Sox. I guess you could say he overreacted.

Overreaction is contagious. Twitter exploded. Paul Sullivan called for Z's immediate fine and suspension. Gordon Wittenmyer said the Cubs couldn't win with Zambrano and that no team would want him. Sox fans all rushed to the obituary section to make sure they hadn't died, because yesterday felt a whole lot like heaven. Steve Stone took the chance to call Zambrano a coward who years ago had "sucker punched" a helpless Michael Barrett. A few Cubs bloggers woke from dormant apathy to comment on the matter. It has been pretty much overreactions galore since Z stamped the base for the final out of the 1st.

Lou Piniella, the man Cubs fans have been begging to overreact, actually took a pretty even-tempered approach to the whole thing.Then Jim Hendry suspended him . . . indefinitely. Overreaction? Eh.

To borrow a word from His Level-Headedness, Look . . . Zambrano was over the edge in his tirade. But tirade is just a way to subtly and verbally overreact to someone who is talking loud. Hendry called it savage, and maybe it looked that way. Okay, it looked that way. But what harm did it do?

Lou called it embarrassing. Well, guess what, Lou? The Cubs as an organization being embarrassed is a net change in status of zero point zero, zero. Losing is embarrassing, and that's been the Cubs' trademark this season. The only difference between Z's tantrum and the reactions exhibited by the team in the 72 previous games is that Zambrano went down kicking and screaming.

I suppose a suspension is in order as a political gesture, but in reality, of the small percentage of Cub fans, players, and staff who still care about what the Cubs do, how many of us haven't at some point felt the urge to yell at the lot of them like Zambrano did? I know I have. That doesn't justify what Zambrano did . . . but I understand.

To those who want to trade or release Zambrano after the shortest start of his career (a record he seems to break with regularity) and maybe his career's loudest hissy fit, I really hope you aren't in charge. Let's just stop the overreactions. Carlos Zambrano is 29 years old, and he can still pitch. He is erratic in every sense of the word, but he is not done. To trade him or release him now would be a plan designed to get the very smallest return (or rather the largest resulting debt) out of a guy who still, yesterday's lowlight reel to the contrary, has a lot to offer a major league ball club.

Based on what? Oh, I don't know, his career numbers. The obvious fact that he still gives a crap. The Lifetime movie of the week, Not Without My Gatorade Cooler, where a hotheaded Venezuelan starter finds love, hope, and absolution in the arms of a gruff, oft misunderstood Hobbit with questionable journalistic integrity but a heart that just won't quit.

Alright, overreact if you must, but please feel free to do so in the comments below.

Curse of Cubs Fans pt. 3: No Pressure

Yesterday I suggested that pressure from Cubs fans is having a detrimental effect on the players' ability to perform. Today I'm here to tell you that I was 100% out of my gourd. That's not the problem with Cubs fans. For the past few years we've played the part of a fan base with great expectations, but let's be real: all the "this is the year" talk was just our dreams talking. Deep down we all knew the Cubs have no intentions of winning, but we don't let that dissuade us from cheering for the team. This song is our motto: I will always love you.



What's causing the Cubs downfall this year and every year is the genuine and firmly entrenched belief in the hearts and minds of all Cub players and coaches: We don't have to win. We'll still get paid. We'll still have each other. The fans will still love us.

The Cubs don't have to win. They don't even have to put a good team on the field. All the organization has to do to keep the turnstiles spinning is toss us a few Dora giveaways, a beanie baby here and there, and trot Denise Richards into the press booth for a rousing rendition of "Pay No Attention To My Voice, Please." Win and we'll buy everything you're selling. Lose, and we'll complain. But our numbers won't ever decrease, not really.

Organizationally, the front office merely has to create the illusion of trying. As long as there's at least one player who can hit 40 or so homers or one pitcher who can strike out a dozen guys (or draw Chuck-Norris style worship of him manliness) the club's cult following will remain intact. And if you don't touch the ivy or the scoreboard, the house of worship that is Wrigley Field will never lack parishioners.

Psychologically, the players know perfectly well that if they give their 75% best, the fans will cheer as though they're seeing Babe Ruth outperform his prime. If Derrek Lee can play like Bill Buckner, we'll applaud him like he's Lou Gehrig. Every now and then we'll boo to preserve the illusion, but come on . . . we love these guys through thick and thin. Not that we can remember what thick is like.

What incentive does any player or team have to succeed in Chicago? The best ever celebration if they do win it all? Big deal! Why go the extra mile of winning a World Series when they're lauded like kings if they win the Pirates series?

If we really want the Cubs to win it all, we've got to stop going to games altogether. Stop watching games. Don't even check the box scores until the division is clinched.

And when we do go, boo them mercilessly unless they win. By seven runs. Even then, mild applause is sufficient. We've got to stop being the Generation X parent who praises the simplest accomplishment. Do you really want the Cubs to carry around that sense of entitlement and inflated esteem? No! We've got to become the old-school parents of baby boomers who reward Nobel-worthy feats with brief respites from corporeal punishment.

Grand slam, Theriot? Congratulations. No belt to the back of the legs until tomorrow. You made it to the World Series? Okay, I'll disallow comments on my "Embalm Lou Piniella" post until you lose again.

The cheering, the love, the loyalty? It's ruining this team.

Issue One: Suck or Cynic?

No, seriously, get off my lawn.

I hated it when I was a kid, but I've grown to love The McLaughlin Group. Led by curmudgeonly debating dictator John McLaughlin, this talking-head free-for-all might carry the blame for the parade of political punditry running through television around the clock, but that's only because they do it right. They step on each other's sentences and stumble their way through a bipartisan spectrum (composed of drastically slanted extremes). It's entertaining, informative, and everything a political talk show should be.

Be that as it may, Johnny has drawn lighthearted criticism for his less-than-subtle manner of implying his cynical opinions are superior to all others, a caricature made famous by Dana Carvey and imitated by Cub fans everywhere.

Zambrano to the Bullpen: Please Tell Me We've Been Punk'd

Z-Ro. This move has no chance of working.

I feel like I'm insulting your intelligence by explaining that moving Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen is a bad idea, but I've heard enough support for the decision to warrant an official dissent. So hear it is:

This is stupid.

To reduntify what I've already said on Twitter, I'd love to play golf with Lou Piniella (and Jim Hendry and Tom Ricketts and whoever else thinks this is a good idea) just so I can observe that moment when he walks on to the green, eyes up the slope on a 15-foot putt, and busts out his driver in full swing. That is what putting one of your best starters (if not definitively the best) into the bullpen. Lou putting Zambrano in the bullpen is the equivalent of Maverick saying, "I'm too close for guns, I'm switching to missiles." Yes, I'm just blogging my tweets now, deal with it.

I don't care if he becomes the closer (he won't). I don't care if he's the 7th/8th-inning setup man. I don't care how many lefties are in the pen or how many of them are capable of getting outs on a semi-regular basis. Carlos Zambrano is most definitely one of the Cubs' three best starting pitchers, and putting him in the bullpen is a waste.

Let's look at the best probable outcome of this move. Zambrano becomes the 8th-inning setup guy for Marmol and pitches brilliantly. Zambrano records 35 holds for the Cubbies in 2010 (and yes, that's a lot, the most you'll ever see from any reliever). Zambrano pitches 80 innings from the bullpen. 80 freaking innings. He gets about 10 at bats. He's great because you remember all of his appearances in all those late-inning, high-pressure situations. But he's doing a job that's not that valuable. Yes, it's a job you want done, but it doesn't take a pitcher of Z's caliber to do it.

And you know what else you'll remember? All of those mountains of innings racked up in the first 2/3 of games by pitchers inferior to Zambrano. What, you don't think you'll notice when Tom Gorzelanny and Carlos Silva and (yeah, I love him to death, but it's true) Randy Wells rack up sample sizes large enough to reflect the pitchers they really are? Trust me, you will. At that point, the fraction of innings Zambrano will have compiled will tell you very little about his value as a relief pitcher other than the fact that relief pitchers aren't very valuable! 

This is having your CEO fold the laundry. This is buying a Slurpee with a $100 bill. This is playing your highest trump card to beat a deuce. It's paying a lot for this muffler. It's using a sledge hammer on a penny nail. It's putting on your tux before you enter a chat room.

If Carlos Zambrano pitches as well as is humanly possible out of the bullpen, it still won't amount to half the value of his contribution as a starter if he had a poor season. And if Silva and Gorzelanny will have to seriously outperform their projections to come anywhere close to a mediocre season for Zambrano. If those guys pitch well as starters and Z pitches well in relief, it will still prove that this move was stupid. It will show that either one of those guys would have almost certainly done well in relief and that the Cubs willingly shelved 75% of Zambrano's value.

The only sliver of slack I'll give Lou is the possibility that this is an extremely short term arrangement as Hendry tries to acquire another right-handed reliever who isn't good enough to start but is good enough to excel in the bullpen. It won't make this move any less stupid, but it will make it less damaging.

In the meantime, I really hope Ashton Kutcher has just Punk'd us, because this seems too overtly awkward and obscenely shocking to be true.

Down with Castro?

Starlin Castro looks like Rudy. That is all.

Pepin le Bref is once again stirring up rumors about players who aren't on the Cubs roster, only this time it's a guy with a solid chance to work his way onto it. Starlin Castro was a non-roster invitee to the Cubs' spring training festivities, but he has looked like a guy you wouldn't mind having on the big-league club.

In 15 plate appearances.

Pepin would have you believe the Cubs brass is conflicted about what to do with the phenom sporting the 1.600 OPS (in 15 PA): start him in AAA or give him a shot on the opening-day roster. As previously reported by his Bref-ness, Lou wouldn't want Starlin to be a bench player; the kid needs to play:

Cubs manager Lou Piniella ended any speculation Sunday that Andres Blanco's knee injury would open up a job for 19-year-old shortstop Starlin Castro. 

...
"No, no," he said. "Starlin is going to start the season in Triple-A (Iowa) and play. The only way Starlin would come into this equation, and I've said this before, is if he shows he's ready to play here and there's a problem physically with Theriot.

"Now, we don't want that. But I'll tell you what, I've been very impressed with Starlin. He's smooth up there, got a nice throwing arm, good hands. He gives you a nice at-bat. But no, we're going to go with Theriot at shortstop, and certainly (Castro) wouldn't be up here backing up under any circumstances. We want this kid to play."

Less than a week after collecting that gem from Lou, le Bref suggests the decision isn't so clear cut, even though Lou hasn't changed one iota of his story:

Manager Lou Piniella continues to insist Ryan Theriot is his shortstop and he's not interested in moving him to second to make room for Castro at short.

Prospects headed to the minors typically get sent to minor league camp midway through Cactus League games. Will the Cubs give Castro a longer look?

"That's going to be up to (general manager) Jim Hendry and (assistant GM Randy Bush)," Piniella said. "Unless the kid is going to start here, their preference in the past has been to send these kids out to get them familiar with where they are going to play."

But few Cubs prospects have performed as well as Castro has early in the games. When he smacked a first-pitch home run to left in the fifth inning, Piniella looked at bench coach Alan Trammell with a wild-eyed grin on his face.

So why manufacture a story that goes against every quote from the people who matter and is supported by nothing but 15 plate appearances and a post-homer smile?

Well, to give Pepi some credit, Castro is an exciting player. He's bigger and faster than Theriot, but he's also a full 10 years younger. Meanwhile, Theriot is having just as much success as Castro this spring (not to mention how ridiculous it is to base any significant decisions on a handful of spring at-bats against a bunch of guys with sub-Silva type stuff . . . oh, crap, I just mentioned it; but it was in parentheses, so it doesn't really count).

But I don't think Piniella, Hendry, or Bush will be making a decision based on Castro's numbers. Frankly, they probably won't be basing that decision on anything other than what they've already said. Their decision is all but made, and if they do change their minds it will be because of what they see of him in person, not on paper. They won't gamble the fate of this season or, more importantly, the future of a could-be superstar, when they're perfectly content with Ryan Theriot at short.

Except that Ryan Theriot isn't really the guy to compare to Castro, because he wouldn't be the one to get bumped out of the lineup. It's the Fontenot/Baker platoon that would get replaced as Castro stepped in at short and Theriot moseyed on to the other side of second base.

That's the question of the moment: would the Cubs rather have a middle infield of Theriot/Bakenot or Castro/Theriot? And would they rather have a batting order featuring Castro's sizzling speed and a font of potential or . . . just Fontebaker? I understand those who think either one of those guys could be solid, but I don't know how often anyone will actually utter the words, "Oh good, Fontenot is up," or "Sweet, it's Baker time!"

Look, I'm excited to see what Starlin Castro can do as the Cubs' everyday shortstop, but I can wait. I'm not setting myself up to become incensed by the impending news of Castro's assignment to AAA Iowa. But I'm certainly not begging the front office to indulge their sense of patience. I think there's a decent chance that Starlin Castro would outperform Theriot in the field, that he'd outperform Bakenot at the plate, and that Theriot would improve the defense at second.

But I also don't know jack, and I trust Lou's judgment. And Jim's. And Randy's. I'm just glad to see Castro pass yet another test on the way to Wrigley.

Cubs and I Are Wishing on a Starlin

Starlin Castro has soared through the minor league ranks; is he ready to stretch his wings at the major league level? Photo by Amandy Rykoff (who has an amazing collection on flickr that I recommend you devote an hour or two to perusing)

I trust you've heard, read, talked, or written about 19-year-old Starlin Castro's arrival at Spring Training and his potential for being a legitimate force at shortstop in the not-so-distant future. How distant (and how legitimate) is still pretty fuzzy. Lou thinks he looks a little Renteria-ish and could even fill in right away for an injured Ryan Theriot if the need presented itself.

But I'm sure you haven't forgotten how the previous installments of this film series turned out. Corey Patterson. Felix Pie. The Hills both Rich and Bobby. We know the gap between highly touted prospect and holy-crap-is-this-guy-for-real All-Star vote getter is a deep and treacherous canyon through which the river of our disappointment flows freely. So how do we know what to expect? I ask because I don't like getting burned by failed expectations any more than you do. So should I risk the excitement or just dismiss this kid until he proves me wrong?

But the truth is, we don't know. We can listen to the scouting reports, but you can usually find a scout who will support whichever conclusion you're predisposed to believe. You can look to the minor league stats, which Bill James says are just as trustworthy as major league stats for their predictive powers. There's an interesting discussion in the comments at this Castro post at ACB about Castro's stats, what they tell us, how different experts interpret them, and what we should believe. (Indulge your curiosity and read through the comments, because there's great food for thought there.)

If you lack faith in the prophetic powers of stats, you can always just watch Castro play this spring and judge for yourself. I know I can't wait. But I do want to call your attention to just one thing: the kid is 19. Nineteen year olds are, as a group, not entirely dependable. They're just unpredictable creatures, those teenagers. As baseball players, the rate of development is pretty drastic. As people . . . same thing.

The reliability of the scouting reports is at the mercy of Castro's youth. They can be impressed by a kid's "makeup," but they can't know if he can handle the challenge of major league baseball in Chicago or anywhere else. And while I do agree that minor league stats can tell us a lot, I think they're really shaky when it comes to teenagers. Let me give you a non-saber stat line for a 19-year-old shortstop who played a full season at the A level:

Player X: 128 Games, 71 RBI, 5 HR, .295 BA, .376 OBP, .394 SLG, 56 Errors

The hitting looks decent, the error total is atrocious, and the overall product doesn't exactly scream future MVP. Keep in mind, these are single-A numbers we're talking about. Here's Castro's line from A+ Daytona and AA Tennessee:

Castro: 127 Games, 49 RBI, 3 HR, .299 BA, .342 OBP, .392 SLG, 39 Errors

I'd call those numbers comparable, no? Neither guy jumps out at you, and the defense suggests both players are actually Jake Fox. But Player X is actually a 19-year-old Derek Jeter.

Now, I know that these stats aren't the best predictors of future performance, but if you're familiar with the ones that are, you have already looked at Castro's. I'm not saying we should expect or even hope Castro will look like the guy who wears the #2 on his Yankee jersey. I can't even guarantee he'll be good enough to replace the guy who wears the #2 on his Cub jersey. 

But I will say that Starlin Castro is only going to get better. Stupid as I'm inclined to be, I'm expecting good things from the kid if he can impress Sweet Lou and ascend through the minors so quickly. I'll be watching with great interest when he plays semi-real games this spring, and something tells me I'll be easily impressed.

Consider my hopes officially raised.

Will the Cubs Do a Complete 160?

There's a fine post over at Cubscast in which Lou (the podcast host, not the manager) delves into the Cubs' payroll numbers. It's not real encouraging, especially if the Ricketts are at all financially strapped in 2010.

What remains unknown are all of the arbitration-eligible players including Carlos Marmol, Soto, Theriot, Fontenot, Jeff Baker, Gorzelanny, Angel Guzman, Heilman, Koyie Hill, and Sean Marshall. That’s 1/4 of our 40-man roster.

Add in those potential numbers to the running total and if I were Bradley or Zambrano, I’d start packing.

I’m sure they knew it, but the Ricketts family did not inherit a 134 million dollar team payroll. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s over $160 million next season, and of course this is without the addition of any outside players.

I've said before I think the Ricketts should be just fine since they bargained their way to a better purchase leveraged transfer price on the team. But still, they didn't get rich by throwing money away. This offseason should be pretty interesting, though I don't see Zambrano wearing anything but Cubbie blue in the years to come.

Milton, on the other hand, isn't likely to stay. Most of the rumored trades would hurt the Cubs financially and on the field, although Ken Rosenthal believes many teams have interest and that the Ricketts won't pay too large a portion of his contract. I just can't see Hendry, Lou, or the Ricketts wanting to deal with the head-case headaches.

The winter meetings will tell us a lot. Or drive us all crazy, either way.

Worst Move of the Season Nominee: Milton Bradley

I debated this last nomination. I have defended, advised, and mocked Milton Bradley ad infinitum. If all I knew about Bradley's 2009 season came from box scores and stats, I'd say he had a down but not dreadful year. Obviously the 40 RBI total is way too low. But the stats themselves don't scream "Train Wreck!"

Unfortunately for . . . humanity, the stats don't tell the whole Milton Bradley story. A Lifetime movie of the week very well might. A lot of media members saw a Milton meltdown coming (and some did their best to fulfill their own prophecies). Cub fans in general were suspicious of the signing (a 3-year, $30 million deal, the math of which never seems to add up; he's making $7 million in '09). So you could blame Jim Hendry for signing Milton in the first place. But I don't think that decision is in the running for worst move of the season.

You could easily put the blame on Lou, too. As I've noted, his lineup shuffles probably didn't do a lot to help ease what has become a standard rough adjustment period for big-money free-agent Cub outfielders. I doubt sending him home and calling him a piece of tin worked motivational wonders, either. But in regard to Milton specifically, I seriously doubt Lou is to blame for Milton's inability to handle life as a Cub.

I didn't want to blame the fans or the media because, contrary to what either group might think, the Cubs don't rise and fall according to the comments made about them. And just when I was about to give up on a Milton-related nomination, I suddenly realized who in this picture may have made the worst move of the season:

Milton Bradley. Duh.

The worst move of the season just may have been Milton's decision to pour out the crusty contents of his heart to Bruce Miles (who, in one of the best pieces of sports journalism Chicago has seen in years, relayed the story in all its lamentable context to us); about how he doesn't enjoy playing at Wrigley, how he understands why the Cubs are such losers, and how the management, the players, and the fans all breed on negativity. That move was stupid, ignorant, selfish, mean-spirited, pathetic, pitiful, and also not much good.

That interview was the culmination of a bad attitude that had been stewing within Milton from the day he first set foot in the left-handed batter's box at Wrigley field as a Chicago Cub. He was ejected on a bad call, the first in a series of admittedly bad things to happen to him as a Cub, none of which outweighed the childish behavior exhibited by him all season long.

Plenty of Milton's adversaries this year have been jerks worthy of criticism. But their collective wrongs do not make Milton right. And when Milton Bradley, in talking with Bruce Miles, turned once and for all on the fans, the city of Chicago, and the Cubs organization in general, he blamed me for this mess. He blamed you.

Bad move, Milton. Bad move. Was it the worst? I doubt Milton thinks so. What do you think?

Other Nominees:
Firing Gerald Perry
Trading Mark DeRosa
Incessant Lineup Changes
Bullpen Design & Management

Worst Move of the Season Nominee: Bullpen Design & Management

I don't know a single Cub fan who was excited about any of Jim Hendry's offseason decisions, particularly his reconstruction of the bullpen. Kerry Wood was a (frustrating at times) fan favorite and a lifetime Cub who was allegedly willing to give the Cubs a hometown free-agent discount. Out of the kindness of his heart, Jim Hendry refused to entertain the offer. Kerry struggled with the Indians, but he, like DeRosa, may have been playing through a broken heart [cue the violins . . . and scene]. Michael Wuertz was dealt to the A's for yet-to-be-called-upon prospects, a move I consider to be one of the worst deals of the offseason. He shined in the Oakland bullpen. Bob Howry was mercifully allowed to walk. Hendry held on to Neal Cotts.

So, in the poor economy that was the Cubs in ownership transition, Hendry traded Ronny Cedeno ($822,500) and Garrett Olson (acquired in the Pie deal) for Aaron Heilman ($1.625 million). He traded Jose Ceda ($dirt) for Kevin Gregg ($4.2 million). This was during the same offseason in which Hendry needed to trade Mark DeRosa ($5.5 million) to save money.

Still, with Marmol looking like the closer of today, I was willing to live with the new-look bullpen. I even suggested Heilman would make a better 5th starter than a reliever. But everything kind of went to pot in spring training. Not only did Heilman miss out on the starter job, so did Chad Gaudin and Jeff Samardzija . . . and they were left out of the bullpen plans too. Gaudin was released and Spellczech went to Iowa. And Marmol looked awful as a closer. He looked to be an ajar-er at best. Gregg landed the closer job and proceeded to hold onto it long enough to ruin all our lives while Marmol did his best to induce cardiac arrest in lesser innings.

The whole ordeal, all season long, was collectively one of the worst moves of the year. Was it the worst? No.

Setting aside ERAs and WHIPs, let's look at the results. The Cubs finished 5th in the National League in save percentage. A mere 4 blown saves separate them from the Cardinal pen, who finished 2nd. The Cubs were, however, 10th in save opportunities. This, fellow Cub fans, is what made Heilman, Marmol, and Gregg look like the three Suckateers. With minimal opportunities, failures felt all the more painful.

I'm not letting Hendry or Lou off the hook here. I'm just saying, the moves that weakened this offseason were far more egregious than the bullpen fiasco. It's also a slight reason for hope if Hendry doesn't wind up overhauling the pen again this year. With an offensive upgrade, we just might be okay.

Other Nominees:
Firing Gerald Perry
Trading Mark DeRosa
Incessant Lineup Changes
Milton Being Milton

Worst Move of the Season Nominee: Incessant Lineup Changes

If the 2009 Chicago Cubs seemed frustratingly inconsistent (or even consistently erratic) that could be because they were never the same team twice. Okay, that's a lie. In 161 games (the final game against the Pirates was cancelled) the Cubs fielded an unoriginal lineup 30 times. And that's without taking the starting pitcher into consideration.

Now, I love originality. I'm somewhat obsessive compulsive about it. I don't even like telling the same joke twice. Sometimes I'll think of something funny at home and will intentionally avoid saying it to anyone so I can include it on a blog or an email or a tweet or something. It's a problem, I know. I'm not working on it. The point is, I can't remember ever criticizing someone for being original. But this time (and for the sake of consistency, why don't I make it the first and only time) I'll make an exception.

Lou, what the hell? There were only 22 lineups you considered worth repeating. Of those, only 5 were used more than twice. Three different lineups were so magical as to warrant 4 appearances. None were used any more than that. A total of 131 completely distinct batting orders (again, that's not even counting the pitcher). Like me, Lou, you've clearly got issues. Mine are annoying. Yours may have lost your team a chance at the postseason.

I'll give Lou a bit of leniency, though. There were certainly a lot of nagging injuries to account for. A lot of underwhelming performance from hitters. But the sheer variance throughout every stretch of the season has more to do with a stubborn affinity for change than overall roster changes and DL stints.

More than a few Cub fans share my ire in seeing hot hitting players inexplicably pulled from the lineup. I've already expressed my rage at seeing Bradley and Fukudome shuffled from the spots in the order that favored their strengths (2 and 1, respectively). And I believe I recall a few fans here and there mention some disdain over Soriano's tenure as a leadoff man.

If you look through the different batting orders (which I have) it appears as though Lou was trying his hardest to avoid any repeats. Lou could have drawn names out of a hat and produced a more consistent lineup. But he just kept juggling, shuffling, switching, and experimenting. I can't imagine any big league player thriving under those conditions. The only consistent part of Lou's lineup cards in 2009 had to be the WTF? expressions on the Cubs' faces as they stared at it every day.

I didn't realize how scattered and random the batting order really was until today. But now that I know, I wonder if this trend collectively was the worst move of the season.

Bad move, Lou. Bad move. Was it the worst? You tell me.

Oh, and I'll award a signed photograph of all of Aaron Miles's home runs in 2009 to anyone who can correctly name any of the three batting orders (1-8) that were used 4 times each.

Other Nominees:

Firing Gerald Perry  

Trading Mark DeRosa

Bullpen Design & Management

Milton Being Milton

Worst Move of the Season Nominee: Firing Perry

The postseason leaves me few options: jump ship, whine and moan, or hand out postseason awards. For those who want to cheer for a winner this year, I highly recommend joining the bidding at A League of Her Own's campaign to pimp out their fan services to a team that's actually in the postseason. But each week I'll be awarding some postseason hardware preceded by a daily rundown of the nominees. This week, it's the quest to pinpoint the worst move of the season, a herculean task if ever there was one.

Inspired by the latest news about Von Joshua's demotion, the first nomination might come as a bit of a surprise: the June 15 firing of Gerald Perry as hitting coach. The stats won't back this claim up, since the Cubs hit .246 and averaged 4.2 runs and 7.5 LOB per game before the move and .260 with 4.5 runs and 7.5 LOB after Von Joshua took over. Statistically, the move didn't make very much difference either way (certainly not enough to save Joshua's job).

But this move, in retrospect, strikes me as decidedly poor because of the way the team responded mentally and emotionally in the ensuing weeks.  Lou erupted on the field, in the dugout, and in the clubhouse soon after. Milton Bradley produced a few more hits and runs after the switch, but a lot more negative headlines as well. Looking back, it's no surprise this move made both men a little extra moody.

Gerald Perry was Lou's guy. 2009 was his sixth season coaching under Lou after spending 2000-2002 as Seattle's hitting coach and the past two seasons here with the Cubs. Lou has said in interviews that clubhouse atmosphere is even more important than team chemistry. Well, Hendry's decision to fire Lou's buddy (instead of telling him to bench guys who weren't hitting) may have burned a hole in the Cubs' ozone.

Milton Bradley would agree. Gerald Perry, who coached Milton in Oakland in 2006, was The Accursed One's biggest apologist before the season began. It was his assurance that Bradley was an outstanding teammate that did more than any other statement to allay the fears of Cub fans (and possibly Hendry as well). Maybe that's why Hendry fired him . . . revenge for the bad advice.

All I know is, if I want to make the Cubs' clubhouse a happy place, anything that would piss off Bradley and Lou would be at the very bottom of my list of options. Who knows, Gerald Perry could have played Jack Haley to Milton's Dennis Rodman, but Jim Hendry fired the babysitter. Then Milton wound up brawling with the new one.

Bad move, Jim. Bad move. But what is the worst? You tell me.

Other Nominees:
Trading Mark DeRosa
Incessant Lineup Changes
Bullpen Design & Management
Milton Being Milton

Sandberg the Solution to Cubs' (heck, all of baseball's) Problems

Ryne Sandberg needs to be the next manager of the Chicago Cubs. I don't care about, nor do I take seriously, the rumors that Lou is going to leave his post or get run out of town. This might be Lou's last year. It might not. This isn't about Lou. There is simply no better baseball man than Ryne Sandberg. He has the potential to transform the culture, not only of the Chicago Cubs, but of the game of baseball in general.

Sandberg's Hall of Fame speech is easily one of the top 5 speeches of my lifetime (right up there with Bono's speech honoring Frank Sinatra at the Grammy's). I recommend reading it and bookmarking it for any time you need to resurrect your hope in the Cubs, baseball, and all of humanity. There are so many perfectly poignant points in his speech, but I want to draw attention to this one in particular, because it gives you a glimpse of how things would change from day one with Ryno at the helm:

When we went home every winter, they warned us not lift heavy weights because they didn't want us to lose flexibility. They wanted us to be baseball players, not only home run hitters. I played high school football at 185 pounds and played big league baseball at 182. I'd get up to maybe 188 in the off season because every summer I'd lose eight to ten pounds. In my day, if a guy came to spring training 20 pounds heavier than what he left, he was considered out of shape and was probably in trouble. He'd be under a microscope and the first time he couldn't beat out a base hit or missed a fly ball, he was probably shipped out. These guys sitting up here did not pave the way for the rest of us so that players could swing for the fences every time up and forget how to move a runner over to third, it's disrespectful to them, to you, and to the game of baseball that we all played growing up. Respect.

I want that man coaching my Cubs. All of baseball needs that man in the game, in the big leagues. Would that kind of approach sell tickets? Ask the New York Yankees how professionalism as a brand is working for them. I'm telling you, the Cubs need Ryne Sandberg not because Lou is doing a bad job but because Ryno represents the most exciting qualities a team could ever want in a manager.Ryno embodies everything good about the Chicago Cubs and renounces all that is bad about the franchise.

And just imagine being a baseball fan in a city with Ryno managing the North Siders and Ozzie managing the South. How perfectly iconic would that be? Ryno with his straight-laced intensity, Ozzie with his no-holds-barred passion . . . the thought is giving me shivers.

As a player, Ryno was the quietest. As a manager, Ryno is nothing but. He was just ejected in Game 1 of the Southern League Championships (and in three years of minor league managing, Ryno's teams are always in the championships . . . go figure). Ryno knew what his role was as a player, and that was to do his job, show respect, lead by example, keep his mouth shut, and kick ass. As a manager, he knows his role: he leads by example, respects the game, speaks with passion, and kicks ass.

Where do I sign to bring him back to Wrigley?