Cubs Must Go From Boys to Men

This long-distance dedication goes out to the Chicago Cubs from that special someone who knows you belong together, even if it seems like you'll never be together: The Playoffs love you. They want you back. Please don't say it's the end. You just don't understand how much I love you, do you? . . . You just won't come back to me, will you? Just come back to me!

I can't let go. It's unnatural.

Top Ten Things I Hate About Cubs West Coast Trips

I did a Top Ten Positives list to try to fool myself into happiness. Here's reality's wake-up call:

Top Ten Things I Hate About Cubs West Coast Trips

10. The Cubs lose when they go to the West Coast.

9. Reminds me of Steve Garvey.

8. Limericks about Orel Hershiser don't fit in one Tweet.

7. The worst migraine I ever had (which included temporary local paralysis) was induced by staying up to watch a Dodger game.

6. The pain of a midnight loss is still fresh in the morning.

5. The Cubs stink out West.

4. Mannywood.

3. Dogs that roam the field before games leave behind metaphors of Cubdom.

2. West Coast trips are like those sitcom episodes where the whole family goes to some exotic place and something awful happens and by the end of the two-parter, everyone's just glad to make it home alive.

1. I'm just so tired of losing.

Top Ten Things About a Cubs West Coast Trip

The Cubs are about to begin a string of late-night (for me) contests against those West-Coast adversaries the Padres and the Dodgers. And while these road trips bring their fair share of negatives in both the baseball world and real life, I did manage to come up with these ten pluses:

Top Ten Things About a Cubs West Coast Trip

10. You're barely awake enough to appreciate the sadness of a tough loss.

9. Tom Skilling is even sexier after midnight.

8. Eating your traditional 8th-inning nachos means you can call in sick to work without lying.

7. Afternoon and evening freed up for more important matters like reworking your fantasy football draft strategy.

6. Easier to curse Aaron Miles freely and loudly after the kids go to bed.

5. 90210 airs at its originally scheduled time.

4. Dodgers series = four straight nights of watching the camera cut away to Alyssa Milano.

3. Real good chances of falling asleep before Marmol or Gregg blow the game.

2. Gail Fischer and Todd Hollandsworth not afraid to drop F-Bomb in after-hours postgame.

1. Milton Bradley's swing gains two hours.