Z, Interrupted

Z angry! Z smash!!!

Carlos Zambrano's rampage of terror has finally been stopped. After storming through the Cub dugout, terrorizing a camera crew outside of U.S. Cellular Field, and ravaging a Brazilian steakhouse with Ozzie Guillen, Zambrano finally succumbed to Cubs staff armed with tranquilizer cannons and electromagnetically powered titanium restraining belts. It took a few days to gain approval for his ultimate confinement while the ACLU and PETA wrangled to determine which group should be defending his rights.

Finally the dust has settled, freeing Jim Hendry to inform the public about the protective measures in place to minimize the damage Zambrano can inflict upon society. Long story short, we can breathe easy until after the All-Star Break. Big Z won't be around to hurt any of us for quite some time. But don't take my word for it. Here's Hendry's statement, point by reassuring point:

Beginning Wednesday, Carlos will undergo a treatment program . . .

This is where a lot of the mainstream media have begun to water down the severity of the issue, referring to the prescribed course of action as "anger management" or "counseling." Make no mistake: this is treatment. You don't often hear people say Carlos Zambrano has an "anger problem."  The term you hear thrown around almost universally is nut job.

So don't leave this happy press conference thinking Carlos is going to be attending a few classes, some private sessions, and some group therapy. This is a serious medical issue that will require the utmost in clinical expertise.

. . . with mutually agreed upon doctors from the Players' Association and Major League Baseball.

Now wait a second, here. Are these doctors selected from the ranks of the Players' Association and Major League Baseball, or are they selected and agreed upon by those two parties? Doc Halladay is a hell of a pitcher, but he's not qualified to take on a head case like Big Z. I'm going to go ahead and assume that the MLBPA and MLB will together avail themselves of the best psychiatric minds in the world.

Whatever crack military analysts have been  predicting the movements of Osama bin Laden, pull them off that cold case and put them on Zambrano. We need to know what strain of inhuman pathology has sent him down this path of self-destruction and what we can expect him to try next.

Basically, he will have to follow the treatment for his issues and be evaluated properly . . .

I'm sure the Zambrano family and both of his fans appreciate Hendry glossing over Carlos's soulless predilection for torture as "his issues," but the bottom line is that drastic experimental procedures need to be administered swiftly and relentlessly to ensure some semblance of public safety when Zambrano ventures back into society. Godzilla had issues. Zambrano has serious problems.

. . . and if the program is acted on properly in accordance to what the doctors they signify he needs to work on and improve on, and follow their directives, Carlos will not be reinstated any time until after the All-Star break.

Wait . . . what? If the weapons-grade lithium injections and shock treatment is properly executed and Zambrano stays conscious throughout the sensory deprivation and neural reprogramming, Zambrano won't be reinstated until after the ASB? So what happens if one of those pillars of personal transformation should crumble? Euthanasia? Siberian exile? Trade to the White Sox? I guess we'll cross that chasm into the eternal abyss when we come to it.

We've obviously had a lot of transgressions with Carlos in the past . . .

I hope Jim was just being polite with that first-person plural. If  Hendry, Lou, et al. have had transgressions with Carlos, I'd hate to see what scarlet letters emblazon their breasts. BP, maybe? But since the punishment is being prescribed to just Carlos, I can only assume that Zambrano alone has transgressed while Hendry, Piniella, the Ricketts family, and all of society have been mere victims of (not participators in) his tumultuous binges of iniquity.

. . . so I think we all agreed that it was time to go and get help, then address the apologies later.

Yes, we need to call in the authorities on this one. There's plenty of time for tear-filled remorse in between sodium pentothal injections. That's why they let you watch.

It's an unfortunate situation.

Yes, it was completely a function of luck. The powers of fortune and fate transpired to bring Carlos's demons to the surface. This "situation" had nothing to do with Hendry and Piniella moving Zambrano to the bullpen (which Hendry had stocked with rookies, pet projects, washed-up veterans, and injuries in waiting) just long enough for him to adjust to the move and then to draw him back into the rotation. The incessant criticism of Zambrano's better-than-average 2009 (in which the Cub offense behind him scored an average of .0002 runs per month, hence the single-digit win total) wasn't meant to make Z angry. The repetitive trade rumors leaked by the front office (despite Zambrano's insistence that he loved Chicago and would never leave) were immaterial to Zambrano's psychological condition. Oh no, Z has a medical problem brought on by the fickle middle finger of fortune.

. . . and His actions were certainly inappropriate and as I said on Friday, those actions toward his teammates and staff will not be tolerated.

Of course. This organization does not tolerate furious yelling. They just incite it.

That's why we tried to work to a conclusion as efficiently and as quickly as we could.

Had they the budget to hire a sniper on short notice, the conclusion would have been much quicker and more efficient. But in a world of backloaded contracts and suffocating debt relief, a suspension and a marathon date with the league shrink will have to do.

It's really pretty amazing how Hendry has managed to make Zambrano's outburst look like the mad confession of a serial killer. The past few days just gave Hendry's office time to find the bodies. A lot of people have criticized Hendry, Lou, and Zambrano's teammates for berating Z so openly, but it's really genius PR work. The excessive complaints, the drama, the mystery of Zambrano's whereabouts, and the complete absence of any definitive statement from Carlos himself have all created this grand illusion that Zambrano is criminally insane.

Hendry didn't have the slightest difficulty getting approval for intensive "treatment" for Zambrano because he made it so clear to the world that Zambrano is a sick, sick man. Lou seemed pretty calm in the dugout when the incident happened. After the game he was cool and collected but, admittedly, embarrassed. By the time evening fell, the shock of it all came crashing down and Lou was suddenly unable to eat.

Jim Hendry was likewise furious. Beside himself . . . with glee. Hendry has been looking to get rid of Zambrano for awhile now. He didn't want him in the rotation. He couldn't put him in the bullpen. He couldn't trade him, release him, or send him down to the minors. What's left? Thank DeRosa for the restricted list!

But didn't all this diminish Zambrano's trade value? Not at all! Don't you see the evil genius at work? This isn't a character flaw in Zambrano. This is a medical issue. He's getting treatment. Zambrano's temper is about to undergo Tommy John surgery, and the recovery time, apparently, is about three weeks. Whoever gets Zambrano at the end of July won't be getting a moody, ineffective reliever, they'll be getting the finest Carlos modern medicine can buy, one with the confidence, sensitivity, and electric fastball that can make him the ace of any staff.

It's too bad. I liked angry Z. He made me laugh and, unlike almost everyone else on this team, he didn't make me yawn until I wanted to pass out. I'm not defending what Zambrano did. Truth be told, I don't even know what Zambrano did. Whatever it was he did or said, and whatever fractured reasoning was behind it, I highly doubt it calls for a lobotomy.