103 Things That Won't Happen in 2011 (but I'll hope for anyway)

It has been 102 years, 4 months, and 2 days since the Cubs last won the World Series. I round up to 103 years because that's the minimum amount of time we can expect to have elapsed between Series-clinching wins for the Cubs. Some people don't like that approach. This keeps me up at night. That's not the point.

Yes, that's a gang symbol. North Side!

The point is it's been a long wait. The intersection of realistic people and people who expect the Cubs to win the World Series this year is the empty set. And at this point, I don't care. As the late Ethan Hawke once said when asked which of his movie's soundtracks most exceeded the film in terms of quality, critical reception, and revenue generation, "Reality Bites." So here's a list of 103 things that won't happen this year. But I want them to (well, most of them), and I'll go ahead and pretend that's realistic.

103. The Cubs will sign Albert Pujols when free agent season commences and he'll give them the "Screw you, Cardinals" discount.
102. Carlos Marmol will save 50 games.
101. Starlin Castro will have a 25-game errorless streak.
100. Todd Ricketts will throw six bench players in the trash and pay for them out of his own wallet.
99. Angel Guzman will pitch. In the majors. Effectively.
98. They'll open a Starbucks in my house.
97. Bleacher ticket prices for all home games after July 1 will be lowered to $10.
96. Rudy Jaramillo will learn to control the wind.
95. Aramis Ramirez will hit 30 home runs.
94. Before the All-Star break.

Cubs Managerial Candidate List

UPDATED UPDATE: Bob Brenly doesn't want this job. Don Wakamatsu might. And that would be a lot of fun, hearing Ron Santo every day trying to say, "Joining me is the fine, fine manager of the Chicago Cubs, Don Waka . . . waka . . . kazmatsui." So there are new names and newly crossed out ones. Can you feel the eternal hope springing up within you?

UPDATE: Several of your submissions have been added to the list, and to compensate we've narrowed down the search by eliminating a few names from contention.

Now that Fredi Gonzalez has declined the offer to become a contestant on The Manager, I thought this might be a good time for a brief rundown of the Cubs managerial search list. Here's whose names have been added to (and in some cases removed from) the list:

Manny Acta
Dusty Baker
Bud Black
Bruce Bochy
Bob Brenly
Daren Brown
Bobby Cox