The '09 Cub Fan Manifesto: I Want Ugly

I'm asking any Cub fan who will listen (and any Cardinal or White Sox fan who will mock) to join me in a sign of solidarity and pragmatic desperation. Just . . . repeat after me.

I want ugly.

I want the Chicago Cubs to go limping into the playoffs.

I want things to look bad.

I want the National League Central to be known as the worst division in baseball.

I want the Cubs to be forgotten.

I want baseball purists to question the validity of allowing any team from this division to play in the postseason.

I want as many Cubs as possible to perform below expectations.

I want the Cubs to ride the wave of midwest mediocrity straight into October.

I want the Cubs to stay out of first place until the very last day of the season.

I want ugly.

I don't want to feel good about the Cubs' chances in the playoffs.

I don't want to draw a favorable matchup.

I don't want the lefty-righty advantage.

I don't want to hear Joe Morgan, Joe Buck, or Joe Mama telling me the Cubs have what it takes to win.

I don't want the Cubs to play in a way that inspires us fans to cheer louder.

I don't want respect.

I don't want admiration.

I want ugly.

I want the 2009 Cubs to go down in history as the worst team ever to make the playoffs.

I want to hear boos cascading (and see booze cascading) down upon Cub outfielders.

I want to hear ESPN analysts dismiss the Cubs as the team everyone wants to play in the opening round.

I want the Cubs' division clinching win to air in the second half of Sports Center.

I want shame.

I want low expectations.

I want the world to know just how overpaid this Cubs team is.

I want Triumph, the insult comic dog, to poop on the Cubs.

I want ugly.

I don't want to be able to imagine the Cubs winning it all.

I don't want to hear anyone tell me, "This is the year."

I don't even want to hear the question, "Is this the year?"

I don't want Jayson Stark picking the Cubs as his dark horse.

I don't want the insults from Sox and Cardinal fans to stop.

I don't want walk-off homers.

I don't want come-from-behind wins.

I don't want any of the crap that made past Cubs seasons enjoyable.

I want ugly.

I want the Cubs to win it all, and I want to hate every step on the path that leads them there.

I want ugly.